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In The Zone . .Emotional Chaos . ..Number 9. . .September 11


Emotional Chaos
Weekly Column by Brian Codagnone

February 13, 2004


Everyone's talking about the Atkins Diet these days. Well, okay, everyone's talking about it who isn't talking about Janet "I'm not Michael, despite all the rumors" Jackson and Justin Timberlake's performance at the Super Bowl. (for the record, a football game was also played. The Patriots won). You can't turn on the TV or radio without hearing about "Atkins friendly" this, "Atkins friendly" that, Atkins packaged dinners, shakes, power bars, suppositories, car tires... you get the point. Even the number one culprit in American obesity, the fast food chains, have gotten on the gravy train. You can get Atkins friendly wraps at Subway, Atkins friendly Whoppers at Burger King (which, I'm told is just a Whopper without the bun for the same price. I suppose calling it the "P.T. Barnum Burger" would be too obvious), Atkins friendly chicken at Kentucky Fried... (OOPS! I mean KFC! Mustn't use the "F" word) all washed down with a super sized bucket of soda accompanied by a trough sized side of decidedly Atkins unfriendly fries or onion rings. While people on the Atkins diet swear by it with a devotion usually reserved for doomsday cults, recent studies have shown it may not be the panacea they believe it to be.I'm not singling out Atkins here, by the way. No diet is perfect, but nowadays Dr. Phil, Dr. John, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Phibes... everyone with a "Dr." in front of his name is getting on the weight loss bandwagon. Some are better than others of course, and some clearly don't practice what they preach. For example, Dr. Stuart Berger, who wrote "How To Be Your Own Nutritionist", "Stuart Berger's Immune Power Cookbook," and "The Southampton Diet" died at the age of 40 from obesity-related health problems. At the time of his death he weighed 365 lbs. But, this being a free country for the time being at least, anyone can publish a diet book pushing everything from Oat Bran to Ox Tails and make darn good money doing it. As a public service, we've decided to delve into some of these diet plans to separate the meat from the fat (or for you vegans, the wheat from the chaff)...

Hildegard Cryogenix is the author of the "Hildegard Cryogenix Shape-Up Book". Her plan preaches "Thinness through a diet of beer, grubs, tree bark and Tang" with "generous periods of complete fasting, usually up to three weeks" and "the immersion of the head in toxic waste pools". If this sounds dangerous to you, don't worry. This disclaimer appears in the index:

"It would be irresponsible to start any diet without consulting a physician, but we think you can skip it just this once. The publishers, Ms. Cryogenix and the book retailer assume no responsibility for anything described in this book. While Ms. Cryogenix herself has never tried these methods, she thinks there's a reasonable chance for survival, but don't hold us to that. Besides, what does a load like you have to lose?"

Those lawyers have to stick their noses into everything...

For the less adventurous, there's the "Rock Salt Diet" Says diet founder Dr. J. Hoople Gildersleeve, "Rock salt is the perfect food! Not only is it totally free of fat, cholesterol and carbohydrates, the increase in blood pressure will melt away those unwanted pounds!"

Dr. Henry Dipthonng is pushing the "Everything Fried" diet. "Everything is better fried!," Dr. Dipthonng maintains. "Frying not only locks in the flavor, it locks out the foul vapors that lead to weight gain!" A closer look at Dr. Dipthonng's diploma revealed that his doctorate is from the Ypsilanti School of Carnival Studies, so he may not be the most qualified expert...

And speaking of carnivals, what could be more fun than the "Carnival Geek Diet"? Professional geek Dr. Rollo Kringle has put his 50 years of sideshow experience into this program, guaranteed to slim you down! (actually, it says "guaranteed to slim you down or kill you, but it's such a fine line). Just look at these mouth watering recipes:

"Chicken Head Surprise"

"Bottles, Bottles, Bottles!"

"Still Movin' Marsala"

"Geek Goulash"

You may remember Dr. Kringle's earlier book, "Everything I know about nutrition I learned at the circus", in which he extolled the virtues of fried dough, corn dogs, cotton candy and extraordinarily large lollipops. And, of course, the introduction by Benny "Lobster Boy" Berkowitz.

So, you ask, what's the best diet for me? Is there an easy way to weight loss, short of stomach stapling or nude pictures of Rosie O'Donnell? Common sense should prevail; eat less, exercise more, lay off the junk food. But, if that doesn't appeal to you, send $19.95 today to the "Emotional Chaos Diet: Weight Loss Through Angst"! It's safe, easy and doctor approved!



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Surf Our Site

Home ... Misfits . Rafferty .. . S1019 .. . Star Crossed....
. .
Ginger & Shadow. ..Writer's Block.. ..Cool Links . ..More Cool Links .
Oddities ..Link To Us... Guest Comics . Online Store..
In The Zone. ..Number 9. . .September 11