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.In The Zone
. .Emotional Chaos
. ..Number 9.
. .September 11
b
Emotional
Chaos
Weekly
Column by Brian Codagnone
September
14, 2006
LIGHTS, CAMERA, DEATH: A SPIKE SLAMMER MYSTERY
PART 2: A TWO REEL DOUBLE CROSS
I found Flosser in a dive on Hollywood Boulevard. The creatures of the shadows who lurked there weren't the product of broken dreams, they were the product of broken condoms. Flosser was at the bar nursing a beer. I sidled up to him and ordered a shot of the good stuff. In a joint like that, it was something gardeners sprayed on the azaleas to kill aphids.
"I didn't know you had any brain cells left to kill, Flosser", I said. He looked at me the wrong way, which was in my direction.
"You want something, flatfoot"?
That was all the excuse I needed. In a flash I was all over him like white on an albino. "First of all, a flatfoot's a cop, which I'm not any more, so I don't have to worry about little things like the Miranda Warning or finding the next of kin." I grabbed the lapels of his greasy polyester suit and gave him a taste of the bar with plenty of broken shot glass as a chaser.
"You're making trouble for one of my clients, and that makes trouble for you." I kicked him hard enough to make his testicles show up on a throat culture. "You're gonna forget all about Tom Tellmark, savvy?" I grabbed him by his white belt and cheap shirt and threw him through the front window. The light pouring in sent the regulars scuttling like cockroaches, which was an insult to the roaches. I went out to see if my talk had made a difference. It did, all right. He was impaled on a parking meter, gurgling out his last fetid breath. Just then, Lt. Breeks, my old partner from the force, happened by.
"What happened here, Spike? Another suicide?"
"Sorry about the parking meter, Breeks, but this wankstain was leaning on a client of mine. I can't go into detail, but he needed to see the light, and it was too dark in there."
Just then a meter maid came by. "I can't read this meter. I'd better give the guy a ticket just to be on the safe side." "I guess his time's expired, eh, Spike?" Even the meter maid had to laugh at that one, and they weren't known for their sense of humor.
"Just earning a living, Breeks", I said, lighting up a smoke. "Why don't you have someone hose off the sidewalk while I tell my client the good news?"
I got back in my car and headed back to the studio. The guy at the gate just waved me through. Fast learner. I got to Tellmark's bungalow and was surprised to see the door wide open. Tellmark was inside, packing a suitcase and humming.
"Ah, Mr. Slammer, come in!" He seemed pretty chipper for a guy who still had a price on his noggin. I sensed something was up, something I wasn't going to like.
"I take it you took care of our friend Flosser? Don't be surprised, Mr. Slammer. I figured you'd send him to the morgue. That's why I hired you."
Dawn was breaking and I didn't like the view. "So, it was a set-up?"
"Of course it was. Some kind of acting, wasn't it? I wanted Flosser dead and you were only too happy to oblige."
I tried to keep my cool as I lit up a smoke. "May I ask why you wanted Flosser dead, other than to improve the gene pool?"
"Certainly", he said, cracking open a bottle of designer water. Actors always love the sound of their own voice. "Flosser was backing my movie, all right, but he wanted to bigger a slice of the profits than I was willing to give. So I decided to cut him out, permanently. With your help, of course. It's all about the points in this business, Slammer." I noticed that he'd dropped the "Mister".
I didn't like being played by anyone. "The points, you say?"
"That's right. Now if you'll excuse me, I think your work is done."
"No", I said, closing the door. "This script is still in development."
The next morning I was in a coffee shop on Wiltshire when Breeks came in. "Still warming your joe with Jack Daniels, Spike?" he said, sitting down and ordering some hash. "Say, did you hear about Tom Tellmark, the actor? Drowned in his own toilet. The M.E. ruled it accidental. Figured he slipped while doing yoga, or pilates, or whatever those movie stars do these days."
"Yeah, that's a real shame", I said without looking up from my eggs. "I hear he had a good movie coming out".
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